A Day of Firsts and Lasts

Today is the first day of school. Mascot, Sk8ter and I enjoyed breakfast at Chick-fil-A with our circle of friends to celebrate.

I ALWAYS take pictures of my kids on the first day of school. Each of them by themselves, then together. This is the last year I will be able to take a picture of them together since Mascot is a senior in high school.

This is the first year since 1997 that I have not walked a kid into school on the first day. Sk8ter started Middle School, and although I would have been happy to walk my baby in, it's just not cool to do that. Bad for a boy's image. I can respect that. I did have the pleasure of driving Sk8ter and three friends to middle school though.

This is the first year I haven't driven my daughter to school on the first day. She rode with a friend. Wow...I'm really growing up!

I am the only mom in my group of friends who no longer has kids in elementary school. This is the bond that brought us together, and for that I am so thankful. Our boys are in middle school together, but the daily social interaction between me and my friends will be limited now. This makes me a little sad, but not sad enough to hang out at the elementary. Let me just tell you, I'm glad those days are over. It was fun and all, but...

This is also the first year I haven't made my 'Things to do after school starts' list. Seriously, why bother?

Thin Mint Blizzard...At Any Cost (Well, Almost)

Hubby is stuck working late because people are crooks. (I appreciate the job security though) Daughter is out with friends. Son and I are home. I have a brilliant idea. THIN MINT BLIZZARD! I mean...it HAS been almost a week since we had one. And it IS the flavor of the month at Dairy Queen (for a limited time only). So off we go. It's a little bit of a drive from our house to this Dairy Queen. It's a nice enough DQ, compared to some of the crappy ones I've been to.

There's a handful of people, sitting, enjoying DQ treats. One couple in line in front of us...taking FOR-EV-ER. Move along people...we are on a mission. Come to find out, Man Customer is trying to sell movies (DVDs) to the cashier. Seriously? This cannot be good. "Oh yes, they are in the case. Good quality." Oh geez.

(Now, there's some history here. Crime and 'wrong doings' seem to happen ALL around us, especially when hubby is around. I am naturally suspicious of EVERYONE, so I'm always on the lookout, although I never have to look very far for bad guys.)

OK...back to our mission. THIN MINT BLIZZARDS! When lo and behold, what do I spot on the wall behind the "Employees Only Beyond This Point" point? Taped on the wall, a sign reads (my words, because I can't remember exactly, but you'll get the point) "Reward offered to employees for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the robbery suspects in the (city) Dairy Queen."

What. The. Heck. My son and I are standing in THAT Dairy Queen. For real. How badly do I want this THIN MINT BLIZZARD? Pretty dang bad! We held our ground. Now I was WAY suspicious of all the comings and goings in the DQ. On high alert. I didn't let on to my son, though...I'm super good that way.

We finally place our order, 2 small THIN MINT BLIZZARDS with EXTRA thin mints, thankyouverymuch. I'm taking mental notes...people, cars, license plates. Just in case. I sit with my back to the wall, so I can see everything that goes on.

Trust me...that THIN MINT BLIZZARD was worth the risk! We finished our green, creamy, with extra thin mints, heaven in a cup, and got the heck out of Dodge! No robbers in sight!

Get Up. You Didn't Hurt Anything But Your Pride!

With grace and excellent form.....I slipped and (mostly) fell in a public place today. Imagine if you will, me looking so much like I was 'catching a wave'...arms out, one foot out front, the other knee on the floor. It was a '10' for sure. You may giggle. I did.

Cold Turkey

(Or more appropriately, 'Lukewarm Turkey')

Last night I drank the last Carbonated Diet Beverage in the frig, in the house.

I have decided to quit filling my body, all day-every day, with those chemicals. I mean, that can't be good for me...right? And the reason it's 'lukewarm' turkey instead of 'cold' turkey...I will allow myself a Carbonated Diet Beverage when dining out. I'm OK with that.

Meanwhile, I have a lovely (and HUGE) pink mug full of good-for-me water which my body will be in shock after consuming. "Where are the chemicals?" my body will no doubt start asking me. But I hope it asks nicely and quietly.


Cheers!

(2 1/2 hours Post-Publishing) My body is asking, not yet screaming, for the chemicals. I have a slight headache and I'm assuming that's the issue. sigh.

(24 hours without a Carbonated Diet Beverage) Yee Haw! I think the headache earlier may have been from not eating.

My Life Preserver In The River Of Denial

Living In Denial

I have no idea WHEN it happened, but at some point in my life, or perhaps it was gradual, I decided it was OK to deny myself. Deny my desires, happiness, pleasures, dreams, and most importantly, my NEEDS.

You know that basic question that everyone asks and everyone has an answer to, "What did/do you want to be when you grow up?" I have no answer for that. I do not have any memory of wanting to be a doctor, a teacher or an astronaut, a vet, princess or a wife and mommy, like so many other little girls do. This makes absolutely no sense to me. Perhaps I was never asked about my desires, had no one to foster them, or maybe I really didn't have any 'dreams'. I just don't understand how that's possible.

I have no memories of playing dress-up or make believe. I didn't live in a fantasy world like so many little girls do. There is photographic proof that I owned baby dolls, but my mother has always told me I never liked to play with them. There are no videos from my childhood showing me dancing around, whirling and twirling like a ballerina, or singing into a pretend microphone.

I don't know why. But what I do know is that to this very day, my being is wrapped in reality and sealed with facts. It is still very difficult for me to 'pretend.' (I am often envious of children playing make-believe) I have difficulty visualizing. I need to see it done to believe it could really exist. Deny possibilities. Bank on for-sure (which is NEVER for-sure, so imagine how that went for me)

I have distinct memories of wonderful times spent with my Granny and Grandaddy (biological father's parents), but must have known on some level that these times were fraught with tension for the adults involved (bad feelings between my mother and the ex-in-laws). So I never talked about how much fun I had being with Granny and Grandaddy. Deny pleasure. Or be a betrayer.

My basic needs are few. But I believe my MOST basic need is the security of unconditional love. Parents are the biggest influence (good or bad) when it comes to unconditional love and what that means to a child. (side note: I know that parents love their children unconditionally, but a child needs to FEEL that. All the time.) I can't honestly say I remember feeling this insecurity as a young child. I'm guessing I must have. I distinctly lived it during my tween, teen and adult life. It's quite sad and still makes me cry. (note: At this VERY moment, I am denying my own feelings. This is a huge struggle to admit these things. Fear, guilt and that damn feeling of conditional love have me questioning revealing these truths. My truths. Is what I'm doing betrayal?)

These things, and more are what prompted the title to this writing. Living in denial. Denying myself. Denying the truth. The truth as I know it.

I have spent most of my life and wasted way too much energy hiding what I want, enjoy and need. Why? Because I didn't believe I deserved any of it. How can a human being thrive in such a tormented mental state? It ain't easy and it ain't fun.

When I was a teenager,  I was told that depression was a sin because I was only thinking about myself. I was told to go pray for myself and my behavior. Really? I was devastated by this. Not only was I disappointing my mother, but I was also disappointing God. Now, we weren't really a church-going family, so I didn't have a clear understanding of God, so I believed my mother. When I was 28 years old, I was diagnosed with depression. And put on medication. Are you freakin' kidding me? There's an answer to this hell in my brain. Why did I torture myself by not getting help for so long? Because I did not know my sinful depression was actually a chemical imbalance in my brain. For somewhere around 13 years I thought it was my fault. I was labeled as selfish, and I believed it. "Suck it up, get over yourself. Quit feeling sorry for yourself." This was my (not healthy) self talk. During this time, I did not allow myself many good things. It actually took great effort to make myself miserable. How screwed up is that? It would have been much easier to enjoy life's good times. But I didn't deserve that.

(You cannot imagine the guilt I feel already for this. The reason I keep going is for the freedom I hope it will bring.)

I'm a rule follower, which is not a bad thing. But one reason I'm such a rule follower is that I grew up in fear of breaking the rules. Of course now I ask myself, "And what horrible thing would have happened to you if you broke the rules? Just a little." There was no physical punishment for me. I never got a spanking in my whole life. My punishment was emotional. (feeling like a betrayer)

(I have to clear something up. Emotions and words are rushing through my mind so quickly, I can hardly concentrate. This writing is random and probably mostly out of order. But I cannot allow my perfectionism to distract me. In years past, I would have spent hours organizing my thoughts in perfect order, using politically correct explanations of my feelings and emotions - which is DENYING them. And being very careful so as not to hurt any one's feelings should they read this. Obviously, I am not a professional writer. Don't judge me by these ramblings. Or do...I don't care.)

OK...What was I talking about? And where was I going with it?

Good grief.

(post publishing note: After publishing this, I realized that I sound so miserable, when that is not the case at all. My life now is about no longer denying myself. I'll write about that, but tonight, I'm just so tired.)

Oh, my aching head

So it's after 2am and while it's not unusual for me to still be awake, I am really screwed tonight. I had to take migraine medicine about 7pm which knocks me out. I slept until after 10pm, waking with a dull 'regular' headache. So here I am, napped, with no sleep in my near future.

I really should keep some kind of headache log. Today I'm pretty sure it came on because I didn't eat enough. By the time I did eat, it was too late. A nagging, but able-to-still-function headache turned into a full-blown migraine. At that point, there is no fighting it. I take the chemicals required and crawl into dark, quiet bed. Waiting. Some years ago, at the mercy of hellish migraines, I invented my own chemical concoction to relieve the pain. Against the advice of my 'physicians assistant'. Idiot. Well, what do you know...Now there's an actual prescription medication which I should receive a royalty for! Anyway, when I crawled into bed at 7pm, and lay there waiting for the medication to kick in or me to pass out, I realize I hadn't taken half of my concoction. Crap. In no way could I drag my heavy hurting head out of bed to the medicine cabinet. Crap. So I laid there and let the tears fall. Tears from the pain, and tears for my friend who has just suffered a devastating loss. Crying is no good for a migraine, by the way.



This photo has absolutely nothing to do with the blog, but it makes me happy so I included it