Sunday, October 18, 2009

Of squishy guts and having guts...

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster.

My day started with a crunch. I stepped on a bug. Not just any bug, but one of those big ol' water bugs. Thank you, Jesus, that I had on my slippers. I could still feel the nasty thing crunch under my foot though. And there were guts. That I had to clean up. Ack! Now, usually when there's a big bug issue, I use a shoe (never mine) and SMACK!...leaving the shoe and smashed, but possibly still alive nuclear sized bug exactly right there for the hubby to take care of when he gets home. But I couldn't leave this oozy mess so I handled it, like a big girl. Ack again. Definitely not good.

Next came garage sales. Score!
Definitely good.

Later in the day, as I'm numbing my brain on Facebook, I come across some posted comments which are not 'TO' me, but they are definitely meant for me. You know the kind...Passive-Aggressive at it's cowardly best. Seriously, the things people have the guts to say, but never in person. I spiraled. Quickly. I was pissed, there's no lying about it. Now, before you get on your high horse about not letting someone else's comments get to me, blah blah blah, I already beat you to it. Because as quickly as I was pissed about the comments, I was even more pissed at myself that I allowed this person to get to me. So then I'm bombarded with all kinds of emotions, some spanning the last 20 years with this very same person, and some as fresh as yesterday when I began doubting my abilities as a mother. It was like the flood gates opened and when the wave hit, it hit hard. Then I cried. I cry when I'm angry and that makes me mad.

In what seemed like an instant, my mind rushed with all of the reasons I'm a failure as a mother. Not a single positive thought could fight it's way through the muck. For three hours I tortured myself mentally. Playing over and over in my mind all of my shortcomings, questioning my motives. It is absolutely astonishing what my mind is capable of. Three hours. The air was sucked right out of me.
Definitely not good. husband came home from work. I waited until our son was in bed. "Now I know you will probably think this is so stupid, but it got me all worked up." I showed him what I had found. I griped. Cried. Griped. Cried some more. Arms flailed.
God bless my husband. He was so understanding. And for EVERY reason I had that I suck as a mom, he had reasons and proof that I did not. Over and over: (me) "But...", (him) "No,..." He also reminded me of this person's motives and history. I recalled 20 years worth of reasons I should never give any weight to what this person says. Hubby and I reflected on 17 years worth of reasons why I don't suck as a mom. And our kids are proof that we are capable, loving parents that must be doing something right. See, we pride ourselves on parenting 'differently'. Being different isn't always easy, but that's another blog for another day.

So what I learned from this experience: Trust myself. Trust myself. Trust myself. I am a good mom. Consider the source before I get all worked up over something. Don't let this experience go to waste...Use it for something good. And...One of my husband's super powers is his ability to single-handedly pull me out of a deep, dark pit.

Definitely good.


KP said...

I love you Amy!

Lancaster said...

I suspect that you're a fantastic mom, because you're geared that way and because I don't think you'd accept anything less.

Remember, this is a job for which one gets little or no training, that comes with an army of second-guessers and that, in many ways, you won't be appreciated for having done until the wonderful children you're raising have their own families and come to intimately know the road you're traveling.

I'd say you're dead-on with your self-administered advice: Trust yourself. You've got a winning track record.

MaryTC said...

This is going to sound shallow, but it kind of makes me mad that this person hurt your feelings. Someone would have to have a lot of time on his/her hands plus a creative, yet negative, mind to come up with comments "for you" that could be so discouraging. Evidences abound proving the fact that you are an incredible mother, wife and friend. I'm so glad your precious husband was there to both confirm this and comfort you. For the one person that does not appreciate you, there are so many more of us who consider your friendship a treasure!

Anonymous said...

Well, I too went through this 3 hour torture. But it was not through fb. They actually called me and ganged up on me, 2 of them. To be honest, I could not get a word in because they were so focused on "being right." Basically, I had to let them talk, they would not go away. I actually hung up on them once. They called back... enough about this situation. I just want to tell you I had to realize I WAS/AM a good person. Not someone to lash out. Like you Amy, I cry when I get mad. yuk. So I cried for awhile, then got over it. It only lasted one day, me being miserable. I used to hang onto it for days. So yes, I have grown and will keep growing.
I just have to remember I WILL grow from this! Thank you God! Nik